Hiring Fools
by Alibi Nonsense
Summary: In which Voldemort finds shinobi to be a little disconcerting.


"Are you sure, my Lord?"

A glare. The room silenced. "I am sure," said the snake man, rolling up his sleeves.

"But, but, my Lord! They could be… they could… forgive me, excellence…"

"Silence! The Dark Lord wishes to summon in peace!"

"Bellatrix, I am well aware that-"

"There! You see? You see, my Lord? Insolence! Treachery! The tyrant speaks!"

"But if the newcomers have powers that exceed-"

"The Dark Lord, I'm sure, is well aware and has taken precautions to-"

"How can any power exceed the Dark Lord's own? Dumbledore is proof that even the most ancient of warlocks can be conquered eventually, with patience."

"Dolohov, I doubt that-"

"SEE!? ANOTHER TRAITOR MAKES ITSELF KNOWN!"

"But what if their powers exceed the Dark Lord's own? What then?!"

"Dad, I think-"

"Be quiet, Draco."

"But Dad-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" The room descended into silence. The corpse of Gellart Mugward twisted and fell face-first onto the floor. Voldemort's eyes shone in rage and he didn't quite lower his bony wand. "I am well aware of the risks," he spat, his lip curling outwards to meet his chin. "But I am the Dark Lord and risks are meaningless. If any one of you speaks again, be it the child or the trusted follower, I shall not hesitate to deal with the disturbance. Permanently."

His Death-eaters bowed, muttering, "My Lord," and their leader nodded.

"Good. Bellatrix, make ready the sacrifice."

Chanting. Candles. Blood. Herbs. Incantations cast. Blood. Pale faces. Black hoods. Bones. Skin. Entrails. Smoke. Chanting. Deep monotone voice hum from the back. Spells. Wands. Incantations cast. More chanting. Black hoods. Paler faces. Blood. Last climactic word. Done.

There was a whumph as thirteen candles were extinguished all at once, the smell of dry blood and smoke burning rivers across the room's many occupants. The Dark Lord sighed impatiently. Then there was a loud crack, some human-sounding thumps and the sound of a table being turned over.

"Fucking hell! Who just… Kakuzu? Did you just…"

"No."

"But fuck, this place is-"

"Hidan. Stop swearing."

"Bloody hell! Itachi's here? Wasn't Itachi on a mission?"

"I thought I was, yes."

"Sempai! Tobi doesn't want to stay in the dark! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Shut up, Tobi, un!"

There was a click as Bellatrix turned the lights back on and a collective gasp from all the death-eaters. Ten new people… if you could call them people… lay sprawled out on the floor in front of them arguing amongst themselves.

"Get off me, Tobi, un! You're messing up my hair!"

"Tobi is sorry. Tobi is a good boy really."

"Well get up then, un!"

"Tobi would, but Leader-sama has fallen on Tobi. Tobi can't move."

"Nobody can move. Somebody tell Sasori to get off the top."

"He's in his fucking puppet. He can't hear a damn thing!"

"Hidan. Stop swearing. I'm beginning to get irritated."

"Would somebody please remove the damn puppet?!"

"**Can I eat it**? No. **But-** No."

"What that weird cloying smell anyway?"

"That's the burnt sacrifice. Probably human."

"10,000 ryou for dry-cleaning one akatsuki cloak, another 20,000 to keep it a secret. 4,000,000 per person per day…"

"Shut your trap, Cardiodracula."

"Dock Kisame's pay by 20,000 and that makes-"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Voldemort blinked. The man he had aimed at groaned.

"I forgot about the fucking client," he muttered, managing to peel himself out from under the flat wooden weight on top of him and brush himself off. A large red scythe clattered to the floor. Voldemort frowned.

"You didn't die."

Now it was Hidan's turn to look strangely at him. "Honestly. Doesn't anyone bother to check who their fucking employing anymore, huh? Let's get this straight, mate. I don't bloody die. There. Said it. Drop dead from shock, why don't you?"

But the snake-man just looked at him strangely. "A horcrux?"

"What's a bloody whore-cock when it's at home?"

"Not horcruxes then…"

"Nah, fuck. Just selling my soul to Jashin (praise be to he that resides on the eternal bloody throne)."

The death-eaters were mostly pale white already, but, at this, white became the new black and they blanched.

"Hidan, help me get up so that I can greet the man."

"Urgh! Why'd you wanna greet snake-face over there? He's creeping me out."

"CRUCIO!"

Harry fell out of bed.


End file.
